From sugar to gingerbread, the span of Christmas cookies is vast, and I am taking on the task of evaluating what each cookie says about your character. In the wise words of Holly Frazier, the best dance mom from the hit TV show Dance Moms, “Everyone’s entitled to their own wrong opinions, that’s fine.” As I said, the scope of Christmas cookies is wide and changes from family to family, so I will be basing the cookie selection off of what ~the Internet~ says is the best cookies and my own personal opinion.
Peanut Butter Blossoms
Apparently this is the number one Christmas cookie in America?? To be fair, my source is Betty Crocker, and she’s gotta be at least 120 years old, so who knows how legit that title really is. If this is your favorite cookie, you are probably a well rounded person. You visit your grandma on Christmas and it really brightens up her day! You do well in school, struggle in math sometimes, but that’s ok, it’s never been your strong suit. You definitely wear Birkenstocks with those calf high white socks, but at the same time, you have a nice little composting bin, so it all evens out in the end. It does show that you aren’t allergic to peanuts, so I have to give you respect for that. Imagine being allergic to a L E G U M E. Sorry, goodness forbid I wave a Snickers bar in your face!!! Anyways, you’re chill, this is a good pick.
Gingerbread (Men)
Yes, specifically the men. I change my mind about these cookies every other day, it’s probably one of the biggest stressors in my life. It is a cookie, you have it for Christmas, it is holly jolly, but sometimes I think that the only reason people eat them is just to get in the Christmas spirit and not for the actual taste. If this is your favorite cookie, you care TOO much about the new Star Wars series. You’re a trustworthy person and sometimes struggle to see what’s best for you. You like your friends, but sometimes you make up excuses to not hang out with them so that you can watch the newest episode of Andor. You’ll either work as a real estate agent or do retail in the future, your fate is in your hands.
Sugar Cookies
You are probably a child or have the personality of one. It’s a valid choice, don’t get it twisted, but is it really your FAVORITE? Like, think about it. REALLY think about it. Your family probably has a matching pajama set from Target, in which you and your family get a photo in front of your Christmas tree, decorated with tinsel for sure. You are social and extroverted, but still say kind of uncomfortable things that make other people think you have never interacted with another human. Like you make jokes, but no one knows if you’re serious or not. Do you actually think that woman looks like Selena Gomez? Do you really think that Adam DeVine’s comedy special is funny?
PILLSBURY Sugar Cookies (Sub genre)
You are a lazy, good-for-nothing son of a gun and need to gain some class. I have NO respect for you. You’re probably one of those people who use those projector things as your Christmas decorations, the biggest cop out ever. You think green beans are too spicy. Your favorite Christmas movie is the Jim Carrey Grinch movie, and even though you’ve seen it every year, probably more than once per year, you still laugh WAY too hard at the jokes. You have one of those star things on the outside of your house, you know what I’m talking about. Probably a mouth breather. Real “peaked in highschool” vibes.
Baklava
I wasn’t aware that this was a Christmas cookie, and I’m not sure that I agree with it, but I’m not mad at it. You are a fighter, you’re resilient, you can do anything that you set your heart to. You will grow up, go to a four year college, maybe not your first choice but you still love being independent. You go to law school, take the bar exam, fail the first try but pass on your second attempt! You get a job at the firm in your city of Charleston, South Carolina. You like it at first, but as you go in each and every day, the monotony starts to get to you and you think back on your dream of opening the first ever trampoline restaurant, where all the food is like playdough food except that you can actually eat it. That business venture doesn’t really take off, but it’s ok because you married an old rich man, and flu season is nigh upon us. I want only the best for you.
Crinkle cookies:
I don’t really want to talk about these ones. You seem like the type to get a salad at Wendy’s or something of that sort. I feel like if I texted you a sentence or something and accidentally wrote “wjat” instead of “what”, you’d DEFINITELY point it out and act like you had no idea what I said just because I misspelled one word. You love ABBA and will go through phases where you strictly listen to only the Mamma Mia soundtrack.
Pizzelle:
You’re the Italian foreign exchange student Alessandra Natali, because I’m not sure why anyone would choose this as their favorite unless they were bound by their patriotism to Italy. You are probably the grandma that the peanut butter blossom lover visited. You give sweet, but kind of emotionally unavailable vibes. Open up, let those walls down baby, it’ll be alright, I promise.
