Alternative Headline

What is an alternative fact? Well what does a “fact” really mean in the first place? Apparently it’s defined as something “indisputable to the case.” The definition seems much too broad to be taken seriously. So I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to use “alternative facts!”

Use these in specific situations to help you when things get tough, or you’re just in an argument about something you know absolutely nothing about.

For example, when you are talking about how many people showed up to your birthday party last night, it’s okay to over estimate and claim 500 people came, even when in reality, your crummy house can comfortably fit 10 people and maybe a cat.

With this smart method of deception you can get away with nearly anything. Whatever you want can become a fact, just… like… you know… the alternative form. When a friend asks you what grade you got on that Calc. test, don’t hesitate to tell them you got an A even though you actually got a 37% and you’re dying on the inside.

If you keep telling everyone you got an A, people will eventually have no choice but to believe you and think you’re a super smart person. You know, everyone except for Mrs. Voltz…

A personal favorite alternative fact of mine is letting the waitresses at Outback Steakhouse think it’s your birthday. They come out singing “Happy Birthday” and sometimes you get a free dessert! Let them know as inconspicuously as you can. Maybe even have a friend tell one of the hostesses in order to avoid attention. Unless of course you crave this attention… then by all means live your life.

This is a surefire way to reward yourself for the recent string of deceit you’ve inflicted on society so far. You may stop to ask yourself, “Why am I like this?” Well you’re probably just stressed. Remember, “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts!” That’s an actual fact! It might be hard for your brain to comprehend what those are. Now stop thinking about how awful you truly are and devour that hot fudge sundae.

I’m sure by now you understand the point of this article. It’s okay to not tell the truth as long as it’s replaced by an alternative fact. Use with caution, as these alternative facts are sure to have an expiration date. Let’s just say it’ll be four years before “alternative facts” are revealed to be flat out lies. We can only pray that this expiration date will come a little sooner.

Alternative Facts used by Students:

Casey Landini: “I cured diabetes.”

Heather Wittmer: “My parents love me more than Rachael.”

Sam Gallagher: “I’m going D1 for croquet at Princeton University.”

Shannon Currie: “Wow I hate dancing. Dancing literally sucks. Boo dancing.”

Jordan Geist: “I only throw rocks good because I get mad at them.”