Your Horoscope


Adison Trofimuk, Staff Writer

If you are like me, ( a Cancer) you are required to like the moon, water, and have strong emotions. Your traits are kindness, compassion, you have emotional intelligence, and a little bit of crabbiness. Just like real crabs, Cancers are known to retreat into their  “shells”. They are most comfortable at home around their loved ones (now is a great time to be a Cancer since we are all stuck inside). Cancers are loyal, protective, and caring.

SIKE! The stars don’t mean jack.

I hate to say it, but if you think the stars give you a personality, odds are you are lacking one.

Like I don’t understand how apparently being a certain sign or whatever gives you the right to be mean to people, and then come back later and blame it on when you were born. That is just messed up, and I don’t understand why people are then like “ yeah ok T-RUE! she is Libra, don’t worry guys- she’s just mean all the time to me for no reason that’s just the stars speaking through her”.

Like I said, it’s all kinds of messed up and I don’t understand how or why people think this contributes anything to themselves or other people. If it were up to me, I would recreate the ending scene from Super Mario Galaxy, where all the stars just jump into a black hole ( if you got that reference DM me. We are gonna be friends unless you like star signs.)

Now, if you all think the stars speak through you, then explain this: How can stars speak through you if they don’t have a vocal cord? Yeah, that’s right, try to explain that one guy. I would consider myself a person of science that needs research to back things up.

I used Google to look up if stars can speak, and I found out they can’t. They are just a ball of flaming gas. Also, If the star was speaking through you, it would burn you to death. I hate to burst your bubble, but stars don’t speak.

I even asked some people if stars could speak and this what they had to say:

“No that is absolutely delusional,” said sophomore Matt Dravis.

Do I believe the stars can speak? No. Way,” said sophomore Nick Kristof

Next, I wondered what they thought about the people that believed in astrology

“Delusional,” said Dravis.

“Do you really think that the movement of inanimate hunks of rocks and the location of celestial balls of fire really determines what happens here on the only known planet with life?,” said Kristof.

There you have folks, three intelligent people giving you their honest opinions.

But before I go please keep this in mind: this is completely satire. I really don’t care if you believe in this stuff -power to you. You can believe in whatever you want as long as you are not hurting other people.

That’s all that really matters, so go out there be yourself, even if it is believing in horoscopes.