Blair’s Bone-Chilling Horror Movie Reviews: The House of 1000 Corpses

DISCLAIMER****: If gore, violence, blood, horror, or anything like that creeps you out too much or rubs you the wrong way, it’s totally okay, but it’s probably best to read someone else’s blog! Horror movies aren’t for everyone, but if they are for you, read on if you dare 😉

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Over the weekend, I sat through 1 hour and 45 minutes of a horror film that also doubles as a comedy. Seems like an oxymoron right? Right. It was pretty strange. There were definitely times where I was laughing and my heart was racing, but overall the only words that really come to mind when I describe it are: FEVER DREAM.  The movie in question, “The House of 1000 Corpses” was made in 2003 and as we all know, nothing good has been produced since 2002 (the year I was born 😉 but I was genuinely surprised by all of it. Now I’m not saying it was bad; I actually really enjoyed it!

It started out with two guys who are clearly new to the life of crime. They attempt an armed robbery at a gas station and it’s just a disaster of epic proportions. Like, I’ve never stolen a candy bar from a store and I think I could do a better job. They end up getting killed instead of stealing from the store and then the movie just goes on. It didn’t really seem to serve much purpose to the plot, however, it was funny so the writers get their dark humor points from me. But the transitions in between scenes were very….Twin Peaks if you catch my drift. At random times the scene would change and the screen would flash vibrant colors and show pretty gruesome clips of dead bodies being tortured?? I think?? It was a little hard to tell because they caught me so off guard but it fit the fever dream aesthetic they seemed to be going for.

Then, we meet some of the characters! Bill, Jerry, Denise, and Mary are a group of friends who set off on a typical road trip to write a book about “offbeat roadside attractions.” I thought this was weird at first because who would do that in their free time but then I remembered that just last night I went into town with my friends and did a photoshoot with a can of soup Mr. Limbacher gave me so I guess it’s not too far-fetched. It’s a dark, scary night and you guessed it: it’s raining! And it just so happens to be the night before Halloween! The posse meets the owner of a gas station, named Captain Spaulding (pictured below in comparison to an American Horror Story character), who also sells fried chicken and owns a haunted house. Totally a normal combination! Bill and Jerry are absolutely fascinated by this and convince the girls to check it out. Bill (played by Rainn Wilson, or as we know him…Dwight from The Office) is the most intrigued and asks the owner a lot of annoying questions; seems like something Dwight would do. They start to drive to get the gas and encounter a “hitchhiker.” Baby, a young, blonde, attractive girl, is also part of the family and they drive her along with them. Of course, their tire goes flat so they’re stuck at the isolated place for the night. We get introduced to the other members of the super strange family. There are so many of them and they all seem just a little bit too happy that they have guests for the evening. The gang starts to feel increasingly more wary of the family and their intentions but they sit down to eat a meal with them, anyway. Baby’s mom makes them put on masks for dessert (ironic I know LOL) and they think it’s strange. They’re all pretty freaked out by this point and just want to get out of there so they take off in the car. Bill gets out of the car to open up the gate and then a SCARECROW (Uncle Otis) jumps onto him out of nowhere and beats him unconsciousness. Poor Dwight! The girls and Jerry absolutely lose their minds in the car and scream hysterically, but being the good friend he is, Jerry jumps out to save Bill, much to his misfortune. He ends up getting knocked out as well. Denise and Mary just keep screaming and don’t think to drive the car into the assailant or even just away from the scene, so they both end up getting snatched by the scarecrow, who’s actually Baby’s uncle. After yet another intense, grotesque, and bloody scene change, all of the group is now being held captive by the family so they can torture them for their own pleasure. They are all separated and absolutely losing their wits.

By this point in the movie (and just horror movies in general) I start to get pretty annoyed with the victims. They just never seem to do what seems most rational, even to someone in a state of shock or panic. For instance, Denise gets untied by one of the cousins, named Tiny, and is so surprised that she doesn’t even LEAVE. She keeps telling Tiny, “I’m going to run away now.” BUT SHE NEVER DOES. Uncle Otis grabs her again and doesn’t let her leave. WHY WOULDN’T YOU JUST RUN I DON’T GET IT?! I did applaud Mary, however, because when Uncle Otis takes a gag out of her mouth, she doesn’t scream or do anything dumb. I’ve always thought that was smarter to do if you’re kidnapped to build their trust so you can escape quicker. Not that I’ve ever been held captive. Maybe one day, though. Anyway, Mary begs to see Bill to make sure he’s okay, but sadly Bill has been killed and mutilated to look like a fish. Uncle Otis calls him, “Fish Boy.” Very original, Otis. Baby keeps Jerry in her room and asks him some obscure questions about who her favorite movie star is and what number between 1-100 she’s thinking of. If he gets them wrong, she cuts off his hair and makes him eat it. It gets WORSE and eventually, instead of chopping his luscious locks, she fully scalps him. It kind of made my jaw drop because I started to think about how sad I would be if my hair got snatched away from me so rudely. I put in just a little too much effort with my hair, though you can’t tell, and I’d like to think that if Baby tried to snip it away, I would simply start waving my head around maniacally so she couldn’t get a fresh cut. This probably wouldn’t work but hey, I’m writing about horror movies, not acting in them!

Since they were supposed to meet Denise’s dad on Halloween and they never showed because they’re busy getting lacerated, he starts to get worried and calls the police. The officers have a gut-feeling that there’s foul play and they might even be with ten missing cheerleaders from the nearby town who haven’t been able to be located. Three cops make their way over to Spaulding’s, one of them brand-new and pretty inexperienced. They split up so one of them can talk to whoever’s inside and do a search indoors while the other two check outside to try and find some clues. Baby’s mom answers the door to the sheriff and winds up seducing him since she knows they’re going to get caught. He’s totally distracted by her and doesn’t do anything he needs to. Meanwhile, the new guy gets barked at by a German Shepherd and starts panicking because he got attacked by a Collie as a child. I had to laugh even though I have no right to because I was attacked by a Pitbull when I was seven and refused to go around any dogs for a solid decade, hehe. After the rookie calms down, they open up a shed where they see all the missing cheerleaders hanging from ropes, with the word “Trick or Treat” slashed into their skin. It was pretty intense and sadistic, so the men are totally shocked. Baby’s mom shoots the seduced police officer while he’s not looking and Uncle Otis shoots both of the others.

Mary, Denise, and Jerry have been knocked out and dressed into bunny costumed which really added to the eeriness of it all. The family brings them to an abandoned well on near the property and puts them into coffins to DROWN THEM but Mary runs away. Baby chases after her and sadly gets to her before she can find safety. She stabs her while Denise and Jerry are sunk down into the watery abyss. Great, a new fear I didn’t know I had until now: being heaved into a well with my significant other in a rabbit costume. Terrifying not only in terms of certain death, but wardrobe choice. Found dead looking like a bunny…no thanks! Even a fox, deer, or heck even a CAT would probably be better than that. If anyone plots my murder, PLEASE at least let me look good when they find my body! Anyway, while Denise and Jerry scream to the high heavens, some weird demon-looking things come out of the water and start to attack them. They’re failed experiments from Dr. Satan, a new character who wields an axe and looks like he’s on a bomb squad. Jerry dies but Denise finds herself in Dr. Satan’s evil lair, where her dead friend’s corpses are being mutilated and tortured. This was very bloody and gross even for me and I thought it was a little overdone. They wasted so much Heinz…As much as Denise annoyed me throughout the movie, I got proud of her in this scene because she narrowly avoids her assailant several times. The first time, Dr. Satan’s assistant tried to slash her but she ducked out of the way, making him hack open the deadbolt on the door behind her. She quickly runs out while he still tries to axe her life away. He tries again but misses and knocks down a ton of debris which distracts him enough to win Denise over some time. She crawls up the mineshaft and makes her way to an old country road where she sees a car and climbs in. She doesn’t notice it’s the owner, Captain Spaulding. He starts to take her back and the last thing we see is Uncle Otis popping out of the backseat with a menacing look on his face. THE END.

BLAIR’S RATING:

3.5/5 Stars