Here at Knoch, there are two things that are definitely no secret. The first fact is that the school is under construction; everybody knows this, considering it’s the most exciting thing to happen to Saxonburg since the white church was built back in 1837. The second–and even more obvious fact–is that our school has its flaws.
Whether you’re a student or a staff member, you’re probably familiar with the constant lingering odors, moldy ceilings, lack of proper heating and AC… the list goes on. Well, although these mysterious issues seemed unexplainable, the secrets have finally been revealed.
Members of the construction team that’s renovating the school recently reported that while in the process of repeatedly moving piles of dirt around, they discovered hazards in the tunnels that run under the building–hazards that the school board has allegedly been covering up for years.
Lingering Odors:
“As soon as we started working in the tunnels that connect the different bathrooms, we noticed a horrible smell,” said head of construction, Tom Smith. “It was so bad that my guys started dropping like flies. We were absolutely disgusted to find an infestation of skunks living among years worth of sewage and garbage.”
Evidently all the school’s waste is sent straight down below the flooring and is just left there to rot. And there’s really no good reason for the skunks. This would explain the constant fish-like stench that envelops the school bathrooms.
Junior Lauren Bowser was among a select group of students who were granted access to the scene, and she remained perfectly unphased upon smelling this atrocity.
“I mean it just smells like the usual bathroom funk,” she said with a simple shrug. “We’re all kind of used to it by now. Sometimes you can even smell it in the hallway.”
John Graft, another worker who was on the site at the time, claimed he has never smelled anything worse.
“Wet dog, farts, sweat, bad breath; it smelled like all of that combined. I don’t know how these kids have survived,” said Graft.
Ventilation:
Another issue we’re all surely familiar with is the school’s inability to produce proper heating and air conditioning. Most of the time, we’re either shivering so hard that our teeth are chattering or we’re sweating so profusely that we have pit stains.
The crew faced another disturbing encounter with animals not long after the skunk incident, and this solved the ventilation mystery.
“A section of the AC and heating unit runs underground… well, used to,” said Smith. “Giant rats–the size of dogs–have been living under the school and chewed through the entire unit. Looks like it hasn’t been working for years.”
Well, now we know why the interior temperature of the school always matches the temperature outside!
Musty Ceilings:
Not only does the school allegedly have numerous [concerning] animal infestations, but along with the sewage and garbage, we have yet another biohazard on our hands.
If you’ve ever stepped foot in Knoch High School, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ve spotted a patch or two of mold on the ceilings. Believe it or not, the construction company also identified the cause of these brown spots.
Smith claimed that all throughout the tunnels, and alarmingly close to the water fountain pipes, there are random pools of disgusting water. He was about ready to call it quits on the entire renovation plan after this third discovery.
“The water is acidic,” said Smith. “We brought in the Environmental Protection Agency, and they said the condensation from the puddles would explain all the mold on the ceilings. They also said it probably infiltrated the pipes and got into the drinking water.”
After hearing this, senior Riley Gillis said that it all makes sense now.
“I tried the school water once freshman year and it tasted so much like metal that it made me literally vomit,” said Gillis. “I’ve avoided the water fountains at all costs ever since then.”
The construction company expected students and staff to be shocked at hearing this foul news, but let’s be honest, nobody actually is. Riley Gillis is far from phased by any of it.
“This is like normal day-to-day news at Knoch; I’m genuinely not shocked at all,” said Gillis.
So the secrets are out, but are any of us really surprised???
