You’ve seen her get escorted around in the police side-by-sides during fire drills, witnessed her using a walker going up the stairs, but have you heard about English teacher Mrs. Lentz’s most recent mystery episode?

“It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” said terrified senior Ian Squyres, “like something out of The Conjuring.”

As many know, Mrs. Lentz has had a wide variety of mysterious symptoms that doctors have not been able to find a solution to. From intense vertigo to having a hard time reading common mortal tongue, she’s had everyone worried about her well-being since the start of the year. Her symptoms have caused her to miss school, flip desks over spilled milk, and for her hair to stick straight up from her head with seemingly no explanation! With the help of a sound-and-kid-proof panic room installed in her own house, her mother’s house, and beneath the floor of her classroom (accessed by a trap door), plus special sunglasses that make the world more fun, symptoms had been on the up-and-up! Until this past Tuesday…

“I’m just thankful there’s finally an explanation,” said Mrs. Lentz. “Looking back, it honestly makes a lot of sense.”

On Tuesday, March 12th, during her seventh period AP English 12 class, what started off as the usual vertigo episode took a surprising turn for the worse. When discussing the utterly incomparably important daily, unit, and year-long objectives, suddenly Mrs. Lentz had to put a hand on her desk to steady herself. 

“That was the last thing I remember,” said Mrs. Lentz. “After that, I can’t remember a thing.”

Perhaps that’s for the best… Following her falter of balance came what senior Samantha Robb described as, “A strange, guttural noise that seemed to come from deep within.” Robb said the class wasn’t quite paying attention at first, until Ms. Lentz began grumbling strange things–seemingly to herself–her head in her hands. 

“It didn’t seem too out of the ordinary,” said senior Reed Curry. “We figured she just wanted us to shut up and pay attention and was getting upset that we weren’t.”

Soon, they realized this wasn’t the typical fit about the constant interruption and distractions of any 12th grade English class. Instead, Mrs. Lentz was repeating the same phrase to herself over and over, but in Latin. 

“I learned Latin a couple years ago so that I could rap better,” said senior Gavin Haugh. “I was able to understand her and translate to the class that she was repeating something like, ‘How DOES one read literature like a college professor.’” 

Anyone who’s been blessed enough to experience an AP English 12 class may have had the honor of getting to read the book How to Read Literature like a Professor by Thomas C. Foster. We spent the majority of the first half of the year on the book and admittedly, the class never quite warmed up to it. Perhaps their distaste for it was because their sixth senses were telling them something wasn’t right…

“After the mumbling, she started pacing the room grabbing books off the shelves and throwing them,” said still-shaky senior Natalie Anderson. “We still didn’t think too much of this, nothing too out of the ordinary, until she pulled the blowtorch out from underneath her desk.”

As to why Mrs. Lentz had a blowtorch at such quick accessibility is still under investigation. 

“For emergencies,” said Lentz, plainly.

At this, a few students jumped out of their seats to make an attempt to remove the blowtorch from her grasp, realizing this wasn’t her usual vertigo episode. When they did, she roared in anger, throwing her hands in the air after the blowtorch was pulled from her grasp. She began violently shouting something totally incomprehensible in what multiple students described as a demonic voice. 

“At that point, I thought it was just the audio recording of King Lear,” shrugged senior Kenzie Gumto, who had yet to look up from her reading of The Hunger Games. “It wasn’t until the power went out that I realized something seriously wasn’t right.”

At this point there was panic in room 048; senior Logan Brestensky somehow got a hold of the blowtorch and was threatening senior Hunter Essary, seniors Dara Patten, Lara Ejzak, and Paige Wilson were trying grapple with Mrs. Lentz to keep her from turning her promethean board into a ouija board, and multiple students had begun to play Among Us frantically, suddenly fearing this could be their last chance.

Luckily, senior Sarah Mitchell had the sense to run next door and grab the best exorcist she knew–English teacher Mr. Miller. 

“I always knew this day would come,” said Miller. “It was only a matter of time.”

Mr. Miller promptly began to perform emergency exorcism. Mrs. Lentz’s 7th period class did anything they could to help him, from grabbing candles to joining in on demon-excising chants. 

“As we all surrounded her with our hands outstretched, following Mr. Miller’s lead in the demon-exorcizing chant, she began to lift off the ground,” said senior Braydon Esplen. “Some of us were afraid, but we knew it had to be done.”

With the help of the class banding together under Mr. Miller’s command, they were able to summon the demon of Thomas C. Foster out of Mrs. Lentz’s body. Mr. Miller had a special Foster-demon-containing jar handy to trap the spirit in. 

“I’m looking forward to adding this to my collection,” said Mr. Miller. 

It was not his first rodeo when it comes to exorcizing demons such as Foster’s from English teachers’ bodies. This was his fourth exorcism of Foster and his twenty-first exorcism of his time here at Knoch.

“Once, Mrs. Hanner was actually possessed by Shakespeare himself,” said Mr. Miller. 

Mr. Miller claims this as one of the most monumental moments of his life. After it happened, he replaced the photo of his kid on his desk with the jar that Shakespeare’s spirit will remain in for the rest of time. He is looking to sell it for $20,000,000 if anyone is interested. 

“It was truly an honor,” said English teacher Mrs. Hanner. 

After a few days of recovery time spent with her kindle and no social interaction, Mrs. Lentz is feeling better than ever. Her mysterious symptoms have been completely resolved and she is able to go day-to-day without any headaches or vertigo. She is very thankful to have finally figured out what the problem was all along. 

“I had no idea how harmful Foster could be to the soul,” said Mrs. Lentz. “Now I know to never, ever use the book How to Read Literature Like a Professor again.”

At this proclamation, her class broke out in joyous cheers. They are almost as excited for this new chapter of their life where Foster cannot disturb their mental peace as Mrs. Lentz is to no longer be suffering mysterious illnesses. A big thanks from all to Mr. Miller for his expertise in demonic possession!