Welcome to this year’s predictions for the newspaper staff’s futures. Some will be successful and some will be dead in a ditch, let’s see which is which.

Jocelyn Adley: My prediction for Jocelyn is that she will be your average Butler county mom who raised there kid right. A trump hat on their head and a ‘merica flag in their hand.

Sammy Jo Barnes: Sammy Jo will have literally ran away across the entire country with her track star boyfriend Jonah. I’m envisioning Sammy Jo with the Forest Gump beard though.

Celeste Beacom: Celeste at this point will sadly be held hostage in a government facility, being tested on because someone mistook her for an alien. It turns out she had just turned green from eating nothing but leaves.

Caroline Ejzak: C-line will prolly be a CEO in an office building in New York, while James Johnston stays home and cooks and cleans and takes care of the little Jims.

Devon Elmer: Devon will be starring on the reboot for the show Seinfeld as the character Kramer. He will later be kicked off the show for failing to show up.

Lillie Leasure: Lillie will be the owner of a Giant Eagle with a nice family but then will be sentenced to life in prison for being a serial killer. Which explains why she’s so “quiet”.

Camryn Lilley: I’m not to sure what Camryn will be up to in the future but my guess is that she might be stuck in her parents basement due to her crippling fear of yellow liquids such as lemonade and also pea soup.

Melanie McCalip: This one’s easy, Melanie’s gonna take over Scott Moody’s family business because of his inability to graduate high school.

Mackenzie Mead: Mac Mead’s gonna be leading the charge at a feminist rally with idk probably my cut off head on a stick or something. Beats me.

Jacob Mock: Mock is gonna be running for his first term as U.S. president but will lose by a landslide to yours truly. He will then settle for taking over my vape shop business.

Fiona O’Rorke: Surprisingly enough, we might also find Fiona leading an LGBTQ march alongside Cole Reiser with my head on a stick, again. Don’t worry, I’ll just have Gavin throw a baseball at her or something.

Grace Phillips: Grace will be living in a tree house somewhere in the woods, wearing nothing but some leaves to cover her certain areas and will be traveling from forest to forest planting trees. She will then suffocate because of a landslide of unrecycled plastic bottles.

Grace Poeppel and Kaya Morgan: Grace and Kaya come as one. They’re both gonna be living on a farm together selling fresh picked bananas from their cornfield.

Paige Stivenson: Paige will most likely be riding through the country on a tractor with Logan Shetter that he made from nothing but a paperclip and some glue.

Adison Trofimuk: Oh Tesus, (son of Todd) Adison will end up being the next Ninja. Although Adison lacks the blue hair, he does have the ability to drink an entire water bottle in under five seconds. He’ll also be helping Mock run my vape shops.

Emma Velesig: Idk why, but for some reason Emma has left and will be traveling the world with Mrs. Morrison. Emma and Mrs. Morrison left their families and are teaching transcendentalism and Gandhi’s life to the world.

Ms. Thompson: Ms. T will spend 6 months in prison for assaulting me at graduation and yelling that I shouldn’t be allowed to graduate. She then came back to Knoch as a substitute teacher and frequently says raise your hand if you’re not here and talks about how she was abducted by aliens.   

Adam Stobert: As for me I’ll be in the military and will sadly be killed in battle. The worst part is I didn’t die from a heroic act or anything, but I slipped on my empty JUUL pod and accidentally shot myself.