Laying Down the Law

April Fools!!!!!!!!!!!
Laying Down the Law


You may know Mr. Goldinger from seeing him and his clique in the history hallway chattin’ it up, but a certain senior Vincent Ross is acquainted with him in a more unorthodox way.  For the past three months, Ross has been under probation, and his officer is none other than Mr. Goldinger. 

“That’s my boy right there”

— Vincent Ross

“If only Mr. Ross had taken Civil and Criminal Law earlier,” said Mr. Goldinger, “then he would’ve known better.”

That’s right, I’m blowing this case wide open.  This past January, Ross was caught organizing an underground gambling website for cock fighting.  After his trial, it was decided that Ross would be appointed a “mentor” (nice way of saying probation officer).  Because of his experience and family relations with the law, Mr. Goldinger was chosen to fill this role until June.

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“I could have never imagined my homie Vince doing this,” said senior Paul Kuzcinski, one of Ross’s closest “homies”.  “But, I’m happy to see him getting the help he needs now.”

At first, other students were completely oblivious of the conditions Ross was under, which led to much confusion about the sudden communication and contact that they now had with each other.  After all, it isn’t an everyday experience to see a teacher administer a drug test to a student passerby.  What really tipped everyone off though was when Mr. Goldinger was seen checking a device on the student’s ankle.

“That is definitely one of the top ten most bizarre sights I’ve ever beheld in the halls, and that’s saying something,” said junior Grace Hensch, an innocent bystander. 

There’s no doubt that there were awkward feelings between teacher and pupil at the beginning.  On many occasions, Ross and his friends would be gaming and suddenly have to take a break so that Mr. Goldinger could monitor Ross’s browser history.  For reasons that need not be stated, this could also cause more awkward tension for the convict.  

“It really got on our nerves because obviously, you can’t just pause a lot of games,” said senior Jacob Reith, otherwise known as Freddie.  “It’s just a bit inconsiderate to be honest, and has genuinely caused some issues in our relationship.” 

Not only is it weird for Ross, but also for the history teacher himself.

“I know it’s my job, but I can’t help but feel guilty for invading his privacy,” said Mr. Goldinger.

It has been a major life adjustment, but it’s one that becomes easier and easier every day.  Mr. Goldinger has become familiar with the student’s family and schedule and has been able to make this process as natural and seamless as possible.  It will never be an ideal situation, but it’s not all bad news.  

One unlikely silver lining of this situation is the blooming friendship between these two. 

“That’s my boy right there,” said Ross, pointing to Mr. Goldinger.

They can often be seen talking between classes in the halls, chatting about anything from sports to politics and the previous night’s gaming venture.  As a matter of fact, Ross has even put this mentor on to some fun gaming pastimes.

“That boy keeps me young, what can I say!” said Mr. Goldinger. “I had no idea how entertaining it could be to survive in a cubic world,” (in reference to the popular video game Minecraft).

There have even been instances where the two have “coincidentally” been at the Body Genesis down in Saxonburg, spotting each other on bench and hyping one another up.  It’s a truly heartwarming moment to see such comradery as this.  

After graduation and when Ross is finally off the hook, the two plan on taking a trip to Washington D.C. and take a tour of the Supreme Court–a playful joke in reference to the situation making Ross come face to face with the institution that got him there in the first place.  

“Strange as it sounds, I’m going to be kinda bummed about getting my independence back,” said Ross.  “I’ve gotten so used to this routine and have made a real platonic connection that I value.”

I don’t know about all of you, but this wholesome story has restored a bit of my faith in this school and the absolute upright character of our teachers.  I’d also like to take this time to warn off any potential future scammers or anyone interested in going into the business of feuding poultry.  Not everyone’s experience is as positive as these two’s.  

So, next time you see Ross and Mr. Goldinger hangin’ around, you’ll now have some more context into their history.  Be sure to be extra courteous to our lovely history teacher Mr. Goldinger; when he is enforcing your court orders, it may help to be on his good side!

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About the Contributor
Lara Ejzak
Lara Ejzak, Editor-in-Chief
Oh hey! My name is Lara Ejzak, and I am a super (cool) senior here at Knoch. I am involved in tennis, German club, history club, and Youth and Government.  I am still making atrocious puns and baked goods that just don't quit! I write articles about school and whatnot, but my specialty is any article that allows me to spew my opinion everywhere because I am always right.  I'm a sucker for a good mango or raspberry, and I am still out on a hunt to find the best apples, so hit me up if you know of any.

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