I get it. New year, new me. Everyone wants 2018 to be the year they finally accomplish their unrealistic goal of having a summer ready body. I’m all for people improving upon themselves physically, as long as they do it courteously. And, knowing the human race, they won’t. If you walk into the gym at any given time during the months of January through March (most people don’t even make it that far), you will question whether you’ve stepped into a workout facility or an elementary school recess. There’s people yelling, men inappropriately saying things to women, and equipment everywhere. “New year, new me” doesn’t only apply to your physical health. If you go into the gym and exhibit these churlish behaviors, you should turn yourself around and fix whatever your parents didn’t teach you before you expose yourself to the rest of the world.

NUMBER ONE: YELLING

First of all, settle down. Think back to third grade when it was inappropriate to yell inside. Your teacher would tell you to use your “inside voice”. You probably didn’t listen to her. Well guess what, you’re 35 and it’s STILL inappropriate. If the weights you’re lifting are so heavy that you feel the need to forcefully grunt for the rest of the gym to hear, the weights are too heavy. I know, this is difficult for your meat-head to comprehend.

I promise, That girl with the tiny waist and blond pony tail won’t be any less interested in you if you take 10 pounds off (mostly because she couldn’t possibly be LESS interested in you then she already is). Swallow your pride, and your wails. However, Sophomore (and exercise specialist) Heather Wittmer reminds us to yell ONLY if and when there is a fire.

“If there’s a fire, then yell,” she says.

NUMBER TWO: UNINVITED COMMENTS ON PEOPLE’S BODIES

For some reason unbeknownst to me, this is a concept that a lot of people find acceptable. So, I’ve attempted to put it into terms that the layman can understand. Let’s imagine you drive past someone’s house and you see they have a Lamborghini parked in front of their house. You park your car in their driveway, knock on their door, and say “Hi that’s a really nice Lamborghini”. The

owner will most likely say thank you, slightly creeped out and a little annoyed that you interrupted their day to comment on their Lamborghini. But they’ll brush it off and get over it. It’s fine. Now, let’s imagine EVERY DAY you park your car in their drive way, knock on their door and say “I love your Lamborghini! Give me the keys to your Lamborghini! LET ME DRIVE YOUR LAMBORGHINI!”. It’s invasive, unusual, and unnecessary. Just because someone HAS a nice car, doesn’t give you the right to speak your mind on their car. It’s their car.

If you wouldn’t interfere with someone’s vehicle, you shouldn’t interfere with their body. 

NUMBER THREE: NOT PUTTING THE EQUIPMENT BACK

Instead of playing heavy metal in the gym, we should sing the clean up song we sang in preschool

Yeah, remember that one?

“Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up”. If its a simple enough concept for 5 year olds to grasp, you should be able to deal. I’ll give you a hint. If your weights are too heavy for you to put away, they’re too heavy for you to lift in the first place.

There should be a punishment for this. Wittmer recommends burpees.

In addition to leaving your things all over the place, please do not be the person who doesn’t wipe down the equipment. I know you think your musk smells good and drives the ladies crazy. But it really just smells like chicken soup and I’m not about that when I’m trying to use the rowing machine.

Similarly, Smith is set off by people not taking the plates off the machine after they’ve finished using it.

“They should get yelled at” she suggests.

All in all, please just attempt to be a decent human being and remember that you’re not the only person using the work out facility. I really hope the gym is full of people like Brigid when you go to work out. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by your deplorable habits. To kick off your year of hopefully competent gym going, I’ll leave you with a quote.

“‘It’s never too heavy, you’re just not strong enough’-a very wise man”-Heather Wittmer