HOORAY for the last blog of my rookie year of newspaper!!! This blog has been so much fun, and I am hoping I can convince Ms T to let me continue it next year! I mean, who doesn’t want to watch Netflix shows and movies as their homework??? To round out this year of great watches, I decided to watch the ENTIRE Twilight Saga for my last edition. I wrote a short description of my thoughts and feelings about each movie, and I’m so excited for you to hear all about how I felt! However, I would like to preface this with a disclaimer that these movies are cringy. Incredibly and unbearably so. I ask you to please, please, please watch at your discretion because I am not a professional movie critic; in fact, I am simply a teenage girl who has a ridiculous tolerance for cringe. It is both a blessing and a curse. I mean, these movies were like watching something I would’ve written when I was 12. Nonetheless, I sacrificed for my loyal blog readers so you all can enjoy my vast opinions of these movies. I would also like to preface with the fact that this blog is alllll over the place and I barely used correct spelling, grammar, or sentence structure, so please forgive me.
Overarching Verdict: Um. Fire and dire simultaneously.
DISCLAIMER: I did not hold back with this one, so major Twilight spoilers ahead!!! Continue at your own risk….
Movie #1: Twilight
The jury is still out. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what I just watched. I went into this movie almost completely clueless; I knew Robert Pattinson was in it, and that his name was Edward, and that he is a vampire. That was about it.
All else was a mystery to me, and I think it was better that way. There is one thing that is clear to me: this movie is NOT for everyone. Part of me wishes that this blog were a video instead because you could see my emotions and hear my giggles. Guys, this movie was extremely CRINGY. Like to the point where I had to pause it continuously and just stare at my screen and laugh in disbelief. I wish so badly you could’ve seen my face the first time Edward literally FLEW across the screen. Like what is happening?????? If you can’t stomach cringeworthy content, you will not want to waste your time on this one.
The romance was wayyyy too fast paced for me, which definitely did not help with the corniness. They had known each other for maybe a week, and Bella was like, “I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” WOAHHH, slow down there. Maybe know his favorite color or, I don’t know, WHO HE KILLED (???) before you say that you’re in love with this 100-YEAR-OLD MAN. That you don’t even know. Just a suggestion.
She must be colorblind, the way she did not even blink at the glaringly red flags that he was waving in her face. Listen, I’ve been known to overlook a few myself, but he was like, “Bella, I’ve killed people,” and she was like, “It doesn’t matter. *heart eye emoji*” No line of questioning, no reassurance, no details. What happened to “where, when, why, how, and what”??? Instead of asking him who he killed or when, she just accepted it and was like, “That’s nice, sweetie.” Girl, he’s not THAT cute, I promise.
Regardless of the extreme cringe, I had fun. I mean, what can you expect? All I need is a cute romance and an even cuter male lead, and I am set. I am definitely going to continue the series, and I’m excited (and nervous) to see where it goes from here!
Movie #2: Twilight: New Moon
Okayyyyyyy.
To be completely honest, this movie was such a blur.
Like, not having Edward in it made it so hard to want to keep watching.
Don’t get me wrong, Jake got soooo much cuter when he cut his hair, but I just don’t vibe with him like I do with Edward. #TeamEdward btw.
Jake is cute and very sweet, but he and Bella just do not have the same chemistry that she does with Edward.
And the fact that he just straight up disappeared for over half the movie. Like the plot was GONE with him. And I don’t know how it took so long for Bella to realize that Jake was a werewolf, like I knew immediately. She was casually dating a vampire and was not appalled at all by his existence, and then she finds out Jake is a werewolf, and she was like “What?????”
Not sure how it surprised her.
That ending, though! I’m excited to continue on to the next one as we see how the situation plays out. I just knowwww she’s gonna pull some caca de toro and end up going back to Jake in every single movie. Like, can we just get married to Edward and live happily ever after already? It’s gonna get repetitive.
Onto the next!
Movie #3: Twilight: Eclipse
Okay, so for Eclipse, I decided just to jot down my thoughts as I watched, so here is my inner monologue manifested into a beautiful list of thoughts:
- I have no idea what Bella should do because how is she supposed to pick between dying while Edward will live forever, or living forever (without a soul?? idk)?? Let’s pick NEITHER.
- Guys, the cringe is KILLING ME.
- Oh my GOSH bro can she not just pick one holy crap. She’s literally ENGAGED TO EDWARD and running after Jake like ARE WE SERIOUS.
- Guys, I can’t do it, she’s suchhhhhh an idiot ughhhhhh.
- The cringe is so bad pleaseeeeee
- This is so bad that I’m shutting it off.
- You know what, guys? I’ve concluded that Bella does not deserve Jacob. He’s so cute and nice, and she totally uses him whenever she’s sad or confused, and he’s been nothing but good to her. Is he a little annoying? Yes. But so is Edward, and truthfully, Edward is notttt all that. I’m definitely not team Jacob, but I don’t think I’m team Edward at this point either….
- Someone needs to pluck Edward’s eyebrows and shave his sideburns, because what are we doing?????
- Okay, well, that was quick! Let’s get married yayayaya!!!
- Listen, I’m not complaining because I think in my heart I’ll always be more team Edward than Jacob, but hear me out: Edward for Bella, Jacob for me! Okay, sounds like a plan, let’s do it.
- In all seriousness, I don’t even know what to say because it feels like this plot has just been dragged on because Bella cannot pick Edward or Jacob to actually and quite literally save her life.
- On to the next!!!
Movie #4: Breaking Dawn
Yayayayay wedding episode!! Seriously, over half the movie is the wedding, but hey I’m not complaining.
I don’t hateeee her dress like I love the back, but I don’t know, the three-quarter sleeves are so 2013, like baby noooo, please let’s pick something a little more flattering. *As I reread this, I feel the need to say that this movie came out when I was 7 months old in 2008, so maybe the dress was ahead of its time by 5 years???? I think it never should have been in style, but hey, I was 7 months old, so what do I know?
Edward’s haircut is fireeee. He looked very dapper in his suit!
Jacob was surprisingly mature about their wedding, which was shocking to me, like okay, respectful!!! So glad they didn’t kiss again. Because I don’t put it past Bella to kiss another guy on her wedding day. And that’s WILD.
But whatever. She’s just confused, guys, cmon be for real this is totally okay and not toxic wdym!?!?!
The fact I can’t use emojis in this is killing me, ughhh I need you guys to see my silly emoticons to properly convey my emotions.
On a more serious note, I almost broke down when Turning Page by Sleeping At Last came on. I freaking LOVE that song like you don’t understand. Ughhhh, it’s so heartbreaking, I cannot, it brings tears to my eyes. I’ve loved that song for like 5 years, and I was not ready. They played the instrumental first, too, like APPLAUSE for whoever picked the soundtrack, because they devoured. What do you mean “I’ve waited 100 years and I’d wait a million more for you” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. TALK ABOUT PER.FEC.TION.!!!
“I surrender who I am, for who you are.” STOP THAT STOP STOPPPPPP.
It just fits sooo perfectly.
And this has nothing to do with the plot, but I want to personally shake the songwriters’ hands because what is this POETRY???
“With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas
Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees” ARE YOU SERIOUSSSSS
My chest hurts every time that song comes on, but you best believe it WILL be played at my wedding. No debate.
Same with one of the earlier movies when Roslyn by Bon Iver came on. Pure agony and despair for 4 minutes and 48 seconds
No comment on the honeymoon! Nothing to say there.
As soon as Bella was eating chicken and peanut butter, I knew in my heart they were going to make her pregnant UGHHHH
And are we serious that her baby is supposed to kill her??? Hello? What is going on??
Guys, can we agree to stop trying to kill Bella? Seriously, in every movie, there is someone else trying to kill her. And in this movie, we have DOUBLE trying to kill her!
Okay wow! Just finished Breaking Dawn, and I can say that wow, that was a lot! So many ups and downs, but honestly, I think it’s my favorite of the series so far. I’m sooo excited to see Bella as a vampire.
Seriously, though, so much just happened, all I can say is okay! And move on to the next one!
Movie #5: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2
GUYS I’M CACKLING AT HER BEATING UP JAKE AND EDWARD JUST LAUGHING AND WATCHING. AHHAHAHAH
I just want to say that it feels GREAT to watch Bella beat up Jacob! We are finally getting what we want!!!! Honestly, I’m annoyed with Jacob because what do you mean he IMPRINTED on her baby?? I don’t care that it’s something he can’t control, cause it just doesn’t sit right with me, like are you serious that we cannot get rid of this dude. Ugh
Okay, I am sick and tired of writing about these movies, but I just finished BD Pt. 2, and I know I must let you know my feelings. First off, stayed #TeamEdward throughout the whole rest of the movies. I had a #TeamJacob scare at some point during Eclipse because Edward was pissing me off, but I toughed it out and stayed faithful. I would like to point out, however, that the directors of Twilight brought out some STUNNERS as Edward, Jacob, Bella’s Dad, Edward’s Dad, Emmett, Jasper… like they were all easy on the eyes.
I really liked that the author was able to make one of Bella’s love interests endgame while not destroying the other one’s character, which happens a lot in books and movies. Instead, I feel like she redeemed Jacob’s character and made me like him more as an uncle figure in Renesmee’s life.
As someone who prefers Edward to Jacob, I think that the author wrote it in a way that Bella was meant to end up with Edward. I think that Bella needed someone who would challenge her and not give in to her every demand. Let’s be for real, Jacob would’ve folded and given Bella absolutely anything that she wanted, while Edward had reasons and explanations as to why he couldn’t or wouldn’t. In her mind, being with Edward required something, for her to turn into a vampire, even though Edward was against it, and Jacob required no work. Being with Jacob would’ve been as easy as breathing, as Jacob said, and that’s not what Bella needed or wanted. As well as that, she loved Edward more and always went back to him. I agree with her choice because I think that Jacob was way better off just being her friend. I was sorta sad that we didn’t get any new love interests for Jacob because I think that would’ve been a good side plot. Overall, this series is not a masterpiece and, as I have made clear, is very cringy. Regardless, if you are looking for a fun and silly time and some good-looking vampires, I recommend this series.